10 months

On Thursday it was 10 months since Jeremy passed away. This Sunday, Amber and I are running Bay to Breakers, and their parents are meeting us at the finish line (close to where his ashes were scattered). Losing him hasn't really gotten any easier to accept. Last time I was in Turlock I went by his grave. When I do, I cry. I also cried just telling my aunt that I was running in Bay to Breakers this weekend, because I have such memories with him from previous years. I am in a weird, crappy place right now. I am uncomfortable and unhappy, and God is giving me just enough to get by. I wish I could skip ahead.

For Elise

I have been friends with a girl for years now... We used to be very close, and even though I only see her sporadically now, we still have a great time together. A few months ago I wrote a song about her, and 3 weeks ago I sang it to her...

We were sitting in her backyard and I had my guitar with me.
"Hey, do you want to hear a song I wrote?"
"Sure!"
"Okay; I don't know how to say this without it being awkward, but it's about you."
"Hmm... Okay."

I played the song for her, and I didn't screw it up too bad. After a moment of silence, she spoke up.

"So, that was really about me?"
"Yep..."
"That's cool. I liked it."

We talked about music for a few minutes, and I told her that I had been writing a string of songs about God and my relationship with Christ... And that I was ready for a break. I hadn't sat down with the intention of writing a "love song" before, so I decided to try that, not knowing where it would go... And it turned out to be about her. She was quiet for a few moments, then said "So you're telling me that when you're not writing songs about God, you're writing them about me?" I laughed and agreed with her. She then said "I like that."

And here is that song:

a weird story

The other night I was telling a friend about a good breakup story I had... So here it is:
When I moved to Turlock I was still dating a girl back in Hanford. We had been dating for about 2 months when I left. Sometimes when I came back in town I stayed at her parent's house (where she was living) and slept in their guest bedroom. The weekend of our 4th month officially "dating", I was again staying at her place. Come Monday morning I had to drive back to Turlock for work and class. I woke up and packed my stuff in my car, then sat on the front porch reading. She came outside and asked if we could take a walk. It sounded like a good idea, so I readily agreed.
We began walking the residential neighborhoods around her place, fairly aimlessly. We chatted about inconsequential things until after a brief pause she dropped the "I think we should just be friends" bombshell (and yes, she even played the ever-delightful God card as well). Now, as most of my family, friends and acquaintances know, I am not much of a crier. Unfortunately, this caught me by such surprise (and, I definitely cared for her a lot at the time) that I began crying. We kept walking, and I kept crying. As we continued, suddenly we saw one of our mutual friends come out of her house across the street to get the newspaper. She called out to us, saying hello. My ex crossed the street to talk to her, leaving me crying on the sidewalk by myself. I felt entirely pathetic and uncomfortable, and it was a miserable walk back to her place after she was done chatting.
All of this led to a rather awful morning, and I was quite understandably ready to hit the road and head somewhere else (even if it was Turlock). I left her at the stairs to her above-garage apartment behind the house, and got in my car. I turned the key, and... Nothing. My freaking car was dead. I called Ronnie hoping for help, but he was about 15 minutes away and had class soon. I had to gather myself, walk back behind the house, and face one of the strangest looks and most uncomfortable situations I have ever experienced from the opposite sex. She helped me jump my car and I was able to get underway after another extremely awkward goodbye.
This story is a lot more amusing in hindsight.

i could use some answers

I haven't posted anything in awhile. This is mostly due to the fact that I am not quite sure what to say. I am at a stalemate in my life; waiting to see if EJ finds work up here, waiting to see if Midtown Friends will make it. My life basically hinges on those two things at the moment, and I am not sure how that makes me feel. I am not happy, that much is for sure. I constantly feel like I am not living up to my potential, and I feel like I am stuck. This is depressing, I am going to stop putting my feelings into words now.

work is boring

3 albums i am in love with right now:
1) avett brothers - emotionalism
2) mumford & sons - sigh no more
3) saosin - translating the name

3 things i am reading right now:
1) golden buddha - clive cussler
2) the voice (new testament)
3) the people called quakers - d. elton trueblood

3 important events in my life coming up soon:
1) my parents coming into town labor day weekend (this weekend!)
2) my birthday
3) parker side of the family for thanksgiving

3 things i want right now:
1) to be done with work so i can go jog
2) a new job
3) my new glasses

3 things i could do without right now:
1) debt
2) uncertainty
3) fat

ccm

There is something about Contemporary Christian Music (ccm) that has just never sat quite right with me. I don't know that it's even something that I can properly put into words... But it bothers me. I am painting a broad generalization here, as of course there are notable exceptions (a lot of Crowder's stuff, some Tomlin, etcetera). I guess it just doesn't feel... "real" to me. The songs that actually mean something to me are the ones that talk about how life is not easy, but God is there. The songs I can relate to sing about how there is a God out there who loves even a crappy, messed up person like me. I understand that sometimes we just need to praise God and thank Him... But most of my life is spent in the day-to-day mundane, and the garbage that comes along with it. I know some of this cynicism is due to my apparent inability to live with joy, but that's really not who I am. I had a long dissection and diatribe of and about ccm written, but I am going to delete that and just say... I am happy and thankful for honest, real music. Thank God.

my ep

I released my new EP! You can download it (for free) here: http://www.mediafire.com/?vcjnxq3v51btl1w or if you want a hard copy, message me your address. Let me know what you think!