journaling during church...

I destroyed a girl and myself.
It wasn't love. Turns out it wasn't even close.
At the time there was little wrong (or so I thought).
My head and heart were twisted around and I didn't even know.

Eventually it crumbled...tumbled...
and died.

I was broken, and no one knew.
I only cried alone, where no one could see me or hear me.
One night I woke up...and began weeping.
I called a friend, and let my walls down in front of someone,
if but for a moment.

And from there, I began my walk anew.
My relationship with Christ is a walk uphill.
It's so easy to turn and go down...
But that view from the top, and the glimpses along the way...
That's what makes it worth it.

another song

I wrote another song last week. I was driving to work and kept having words running through my head, so I started scribbling them down at stoplights. This led to the first verse and the chorus... Then the next day I sat down with my guitar and the rest came out.

"Sometimes I'm scared to sing to You, Creator of everything
What if I'm distracted, what if my heart's not all there?
What if the words and notes, they come out wrong?
But still I will lift my voice because You gave me this song

I'll sing the hosannas and I'll sing hallelujahs
I'll tell of Your glory and how You saved us
Most importantly to me, I'll just tell You I love You
And how all I want to do is just sit at Your feet

I write down words that can never encompass my love
But I know it's important to You that I even try
I know You're out there because I've seen You before
You've touched my heart and left me wanting more

And this is all I know how to do,
To sing and hope it's enough
That what I'm putting into this will show You my love"

the frailty of my life Lord just cries out for more of You

I recently found a Word file that contained things I had written while attending the Worship Conference at Bethel Church a few years ago. It was really interesting to look back at where my heart was during that time. I still have my notebook/journal from that time as well, and I think I may pull it out and check that as well. It was mostly poetry/lyrics, and that sort of thing. I don't think I ever actually ended up using any of it, but it's been refreshing to read words that were written during a very important and transforming time in my life. Some of it feels a bit cliche and whatnot, but I know it was written in sincerity... So it's okay to me.


many call Your works by other names
but they can never know what it is like to be truly awestruck
until they let You hold them
and You long to do just that
give me the strength and power to break down walls
to love others with Your love
especially those who do not seek You
help me to be a vessel
imperfect, and yet perfect enough to show Your grace and mercy


Take my weakness, strip it away
Take my darkest place, take it and shine Your light into it, O’ God
Take my faults and turn them into Your strengths, O’ God


Do not let me stray – I am weak and I need Your love to set me
Apart from all that I have known before
O’ Lord, O’ God, this fire – let it burn ever brighter
Brighter than before
Until all can see the flame in my heart that reaches out for You
Devouring others in its wake
Setting them aflame for You,
And only You
For eternity
For You

Sixty-three

I recorded a song I wrote, using scripture from Psalm 63. The words and video are below. Hope you enjoy!



I seek You in a land full of the lost
I pray for brokenness,
So that I may love as You do
To act in Your name,
No matter the cost

And I will praise You as long as I live
And in Your name I will lift up my hands
Because I’ve seen Your love
I’ve seen Your power,
I’ve seen Your glory and might
And all these things are better than life

I thirst for You in a land that is dry
Lord, satisfy my soul
And my lips shall ever praise You
Just keep me safe in the shadow of Your wings

I am headed to Big Basin Redwoods State Park near Santa Cruz tomorrow, to camp with EJ and Emma. It has been years since I have camped, and I am excited! The next day we will be met by other people to hike the Berry Creek Falls trail. I have been on that trail in the summer and fall, and now I will be headed there during the winter... Still haven't made it there in spring, when it is the most beautiful. Someday!
I have had car issues with my new vehicle almost since I have bought it. I am supposed to pick it up tomorrow morning, and I am praying that it is fixed. I have been so absolutely stressed about it, and it has been depressing the heck out of me. Last night I was in an absolutely awful mood, and spent some time just playing music to try to snap out of it; it helped some.
I have been loving this song called "For Joy" by Aaron Strumpel. It is taken near-verbatim from Psalm 67, and it is a lot of fun to play. On January 24th I am going to make a guest appearance at cgcc, to jam with my boys again; I am stoked!

It has been far too long...

It is now nearly the end of 2009. I recently sent out my Christmas letter to family and a few friends. Here it is, in its entirety:

2009 has been a busy year for me! I began the year still working at FedEx Office in Turlock, and leading worship for the CGCC college group and Sunday mornings at Denair Friends Church. In January the worship band I led played at a Jr. High/High School retreat in the mountains. It was a great time to become closer as friends, and we had a wonderful time with the Lord there also. We ended up recording a few songs after we came back, which was a lot of fun. We also got a chance to play a few more times outside of our normal college group gig, and we always had a great time.
I was fortunate enough to get out on a few hikes this year including Half Dome and the Hetch Hetchy area in Yosemite, and Mt. Tallac (overlooking Tahoe). I also got a bit of time outdoors at the annual Donner Lake family reunion, though most of that was spent on the golf course... Not that I am complaining. I was lucky enough to be a part of two weddings of close friends this summer, and both of those experiences were wonderful.
In July I began transitioning out of my role in the band and college group, with the intention of being completely finished within 2 months. In August I traveled to Cambodia for two weeks. It was by far the best experience of my life. I made new friends on the trip, and experienced amazing things. It definitely changed me in good ways, and I would love to go back someday. I made an effort on that trip to not say no to anything... I was able to experience more and do things that made me a bit uncomfortable (in a good way).
Shortly after I came back I was offered a position at a Friends church plant in downtown Sacramento and I decided to say yes to that. Inside of two months I moved in with Kristin and Andrew in Elk Grove, transferred to a position at a FedEx Office near their home, and began working with the church plant downtown. It has been a crazy time of transition. It was very hard to leave people and situations in Turlock, but I feel like I am doing what I am supposed to. I was able to spend Thanksgiving with wonderful friends in Turlock, and my cousin John was even able to join me. My mom and dad will be joining us here this Christmas, and I am very excited! I am sure things will continue to change in the new year, and I am eager to see what God has in store. I hope your Christmas is amazing, and that your new year is full of wonderful times with good people and the Lord.



Anyways, that's how my year went. Hopefully this year I will be more consistent about my blogging. Peace!

so long sweet summer

I stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays
So long sweet summer
I fell into you
Now you're gracefully falling away

So it's the end of summer. I haven't blogged since the beginning of summer... It was a busy and amazing time! Some highlights:

* Being in the weddings of close friends; Jeremy and Shandra's wedding, and Matt's wedding. I had a great time with the rest of the wedding parties and with the couples. Also, d.j.ing Mike's wedding was great too!
* Two weeks in Cambodia; absolutely a wonderful experience! So much to process... Easily the best thing I have ever done in my life.
* Hiking; Half Dome and Hetch Hetchy on back-to-back weekends, Mt. Tallac for my birthday. Swimming in the mountains was amazingly cold and fun.
* Seeing my parents and Grandma at Donner Lake... Meant a lot more this year with all that's been going on with my parents.

I have two Sundays left at c.g.c.c.... Change is afoot! I almost broke down while playing Sunday night; it's going to be tough not to have that outlet anymore. I got a job offer at Midtown Friends... And I want to do it. I am currently looking for another job in that area, so I can support myself. And that's about it! Go team.