a weird story

The other night I was telling a friend about a good breakup story I had... So here it is:
When I moved to Turlock I was still dating a girl back in Hanford. We had been dating for about 2 months when I left. Sometimes when I came back in town I stayed at her parent's house (where she was living) and slept in their guest bedroom. The weekend of our 4th month officially "dating", I was again staying at her place. Come Monday morning I had to drive back to Turlock for work and class. I woke up and packed my stuff in my car, then sat on the front porch reading. She came outside and asked if we could take a walk. It sounded like a good idea, so I readily agreed.
We began walking the residential neighborhoods around her place, fairly aimlessly. We chatted about inconsequential things until after a brief pause she dropped the "I think we should just be friends" bombshell (and yes, she even played the ever-delightful God card as well). Now, as most of my family, friends and acquaintances know, I am not much of a crier. Unfortunately, this caught me by such surprise (and, I definitely cared for her a lot at the time) that I began crying. We kept walking, and I kept crying. As we continued, suddenly we saw one of our mutual friends come out of her house across the street to get the newspaper. She called out to us, saying hello. My ex crossed the street to talk to her, leaving me crying on the sidewalk by myself. I felt entirely pathetic and uncomfortable, and it was a miserable walk back to her place after she was done chatting.
All of this led to a rather awful morning, and I was quite understandably ready to hit the road and head somewhere else (even if it was Turlock). I left her at the stairs to her above-garage apartment behind the house, and got in my car. I turned the key, and... Nothing. My freaking car was dead. I called Ronnie hoping for help, but he was about 15 minutes away and had class soon. I had to gather myself, walk back behind the house, and face one of the strangest looks and most uncomfortable situations I have ever experienced from the opposite sex. She helped me jump my car and I was able to get underway after another extremely awkward goodbye.
This story is a lot more amusing in hindsight.

i could use some answers

I haven't posted anything in awhile. This is mostly due to the fact that I am not quite sure what to say. I am at a stalemate in my life; waiting to see if EJ finds work up here, waiting to see if Midtown Friends will make it. My life basically hinges on those two things at the moment, and I am not sure how that makes me feel. I am not happy, that much is for sure. I constantly feel like I am not living up to my potential, and I feel like I am stuck. This is depressing, I am going to stop putting my feelings into words now.

work is boring

3 albums i am in love with right now:
1) avett brothers - emotionalism
2) mumford & sons - sigh no more
3) saosin - translating the name

3 things i am reading right now:
1) golden buddha - clive cussler
2) the voice (new testament)
3) the people called quakers - d. elton trueblood

3 important events in my life coming up soon:
1) my parents coming into town labor day weekend (this weekend!)
2) my birthday
3) parker side of the family for thanksgiving

3 things i want right now:
1) to be done with work so i can go jog
2) a new job
3) my new glasses

3 things i could do without right now:
1) debt
2) uncertainty
3) fat

ccm

There is something about Contemporary Christian Music (ccm) that has just never sat quite right with me. I don't know that it's even something that I can properly put into words... But it bothers me. I am painting a broad generalization here, as of course there are notable exceptions (a lot of Crowder's stuff, some Tomlin, etcetera). I guess it just doesn't feel... "real" to me. The songs that actually mean something to me are the ones that talk about how life is not easy, but God is there. The songs I can relate to sing about how there is a God out there who loves even a crappy, messed up person like me. I understand that sometimes we just need to praise God and thank Him... But most of my life is spent in the day-to-day mundane, and the garbage that comes along with it. I know some of this cynicism is due to my apparent inability to live with joy, but that's really not who I am. I had a long dissection and diatribe of and about ccm written, but I am going to delete that and just say... I am happy and thankful for honest, real music. Thank God.

my ep

I released my new EP! You can download it (for free) here: http://www.mediafire.com/?vcjnxq3v51btl1w or if you want a hard copy, message me your address. Let me know what you think!

words of my father

these are from a list that my dad gave me years ago. i kept it, and formatted it nicely and gave it to him for father's day two years ago. i still read it now and again, just to keep my head on straight.

Lord

Ups and downs in intensity
Keep worshipping
Be the spiritual head
Pray daily
Always tithe
Know where you stand, don’t buckle… But listen


Love

Do not be unequally yoked
Treat her like an angel
Virginity is the highest gift in marriage
Stay away from situations(before and after marriage)
The little things mean a lot
One time, one woman, no wandering
Love, cuddle, & touch without always expecting sex in return
No barbies


Labor

Like your job because it will affect home and you
Don’t quit when things get difficult… Give it reasonable time
If you need to ask for a raise or increased compensation or promotion, evaluate how you have performed, honestly. If you are satisfied with performance it may be time to move on
Be wise in your choices of changing jobs, promotions, and moves with a company
Loyalty
Integrity
Don’t make $ the #1 object. The higher the income the more stress and less stability


Leisure

Time to relax, not necessarily that which you do for fun
Make it a time you can think/reflect; a brain relax time.
It can be taxing physically
Don’t let it overtake time from real chores or duties


Life

Ebbs and flows of life – enjoy it, each day is valuable
Remember, no matter what happens to you in normal life, “they” can’t kill you.
Do what is best for wife and children, put self aside

recording = done

i spent friday and saturday of last weekend recording with matt davis (who recorded the cgcc band ep) in turlock at denair friends church... i recorded 4 originals, and my own arrangement of how great Thou art. it was exhausting, but it was such a good experience. we spent a total of about 16 hours during those 2 days recording, or setting up/tearing down/working out instrument and vocal parts.
all of my songs turned out better than i thought they would; it's hard because in my head i heard other musical pieces, but actually putting them together became more difficult. i am currently listening to the (unmixed) ep, so that i can go over some mixing details with matt. i am pretty excited to share it with other people, and i hope they can hear the passion i put into it. let me know if you want a copy (digital or physical or both)!

just another song...

The words to the first verse and chorus came to me right when I woke up this morning, and as I was in the shower... Then I finished up the second verse at work.


"I’ve got things roaming my head that I can’t defeat
There’s sickness all around me and the world’s unclean
I’m no better, I’ve got the same disease
Selfishness and greed wrapped in apathy
But I can sense a freedom somewhere near

Lord break these chains ‘cause they’re not of You
They just drag me down and conceal the truth
I want something more that is real
I don’t need this world, I don’t need this grief
I just need You, I need Your arms around me.

There are things I should do and words I should speak
But I feel so useless, Lord I feel so damn weak
What can I possibly do to compete
With a world that’s full of such agony
I need Your strength to set me free"

EDIT: the video

i suck at praying.

I have never felt like I have a very good prayer life. I do it, but not consistently. When someone asks for prayer for something, I tend to hesitate before agreeing; not because I don't want to pray for them, but out of the concern that I will forget or push it aside or something... I don't want to commit to something important like that, and then not even do it. Sooo that's something I am still dealing with.
Anyways, something that I have found myself doing recently is limiting my prayers. Today I was praying in the shower for a couple of things (yeah, I pray in the shower; I have found it's a place I am not distracted by media, electronics, etcetera for a brief period of time). One of the prayer items was a friend's relationship with their father, which has had a ton of struggles in the last couple of years. Another prayer was for a friend who has an opportunity to go on a missions trip to Ethiopia, but only if a seat opens up on the return flight that is currently fully booked.
I began to pray, and started to pray for both of these things... But as I did, I realized that I was praying very specifically, and not very hopefully. I was praying for the first friend that they would be able to interact well with their dad, and that they would possibly be able to see each other and have a positive experience. The other prayer was for my friend to find a seat on the currently full flight. Both solid, acceptable prayers, right?
But why should I stop there? If I really believe that God can do ANYTHING, then why am I asking Him for relatively "small" things? And so, I approached the prayer a little differently after this realization. I prayed for my friend not to just have a good interaction with their dad, but to actually have reconciliation, and for healing for the dad's relationship with the rest of the family. For my other friend, I prayed that not only were they able to go on the trip, but that it would be a life-changing experience for them, and that they would cause great things to happen in God's name while they were there.
I mean, if you're going to pray... Why not pray extravagantly?

journaling during church...

I destroyed a girl and myself.
It wasn't love. Turns out it wasn't even close.
At the time there was little wrong (or so I thought).
My head and heart were twisted around and I didn't even know.

Eventually it crumbled...tumbled...
and died.

I was broken, and no one knew.
I only cried alone, where no one could see me or hear me.
One night I woke up...and began weeping.
I called a friend, and let my walls down in front of someone,
if but for a moment.

And from there, I began my walk anew.
My relationship with Christ is a walk uphill.
It's so easy to turn and go down...
But that view from the top, and the glimpses along the way...
That's what makes it worth it.

another song

I wrote another song last week. I was driving to work and kept having words running through my head, so I started scribbling them down at stoplights. This led to the first verse and the chorus... Then the next day I sat down with my guitar and the rest came out.

"Sometimes I'm scared to sing to You, Creator of everything
What if I'm distracted, what if my heart's not all there?
What if the words and notes, they come out wrong?
But still I will lift my voice because You gave me this song

I'll sing the hosannas and I'll sing hallelujahs
I'll tell of Your glory and how You saved us
Most importantly to me, I'll just tell You I love You
And how all I want to do is just sit at Your feet

I write down words that can never encompass my love
But I know it's important to You that I even try
I know You're out there because I've seen You before
You've touched my heart and left me wanting more

And this is all I know how to do,
To sing and hope it's enough
That what I'm putting into this will show You my love"

the frailty of my life Lord just cries out for more of You

I recently found a Word file that contained things I had written while attending the Worship Conference at Bethel Church a few years ago. It was really interesting to look back at where my heart was during that time. I still have my notebook/journal from that time as well, and I think I may pull it out and check that as well. It was mostly poetry/lyrics, and that sort of thing. I don't think I ever actually ended up using any of it, but it's been refreshing to read words that were written during a very important and transforming time in my life. Some of it feels a bit cliche and whatnot, but I know it was written in sincerity... So it's okay to me.


many call Your works by other names
but they can never know what it is like to be truly awestruck
until they let You hold them
and You long to do just that
give me the strength and power to break down walls
to love others with Your love
especially those who do not seek You
help me to be a vessel
imperfect, and yet perfect enough to show Your grace and mercy


Take my weakness, strip it away
Take my darkest place, take it and shine Your light into it, O’ God
Take my faults and turn them into Your strengths, O’ God


Do not let me stray – I am weak and I need Your love to set me
Apart from all that I have known before
O’ Lord, O’ God, this fire – let it burn ever brighter
Brighter than before
Until all can see the flame in my heart that reaches out for You
Devouring others in its wake
Setting them aflame for You,
And only You
For eternity
For You

Sixty-three

I recorded a song I wrote, using scripture from Psalm 63. The words and video are below. Hope you enjoy!



I seek You in a land full of the lost
I pray for brokenness,
So that I may love as You do
To act in Your name,
No matter the cost

And I will praise You as long as I live
And in Your name I will lift up my hands
Because I’ve seen Your love
I’ve seen Your power,
I’ve seen Your glory and might
And all these things are better than life

I thirst for You in a land that is dry
Lord, satisfy my soul
And my lips shall ever praise You
Just keep me safe in the shadow of Your wings

I am headed to Big Basin Redwoods State Park near Santa Cruz tomorrow, to camp with EJ and Emma. It has been years since I have camped, and I am excited! The next day we will be met by other people to hike the Berry Creek Falls trail. I have been on that trail in the summer and fall, and now I will be headed there during the winter... Still haven't made it there in spring, when it is the most beautiful. Someday!
I have had car issues with my new vehicle almost since I have bought it. I am supposed to pick it up tomorrow morning, and I am praying that it is fixed. I have been so absolutely stressed about it, and it has been depressing the heck out of me. Last night I was in an absolutely awful mood, and spent some time just playing music to try to snap out of it; it helped some.
I have been loving this song called "For Joy" by Aaron Strumpel. It is taken near-verbatim from Psalm 67, and it is a lot of fun to play. On January 24th I am going to make a guest appearance at cgcc, to jam with my boys again; I am stoked!